The Art of Fanfic
by Sparrow Windsinger
Summary: Okay, a little ficlet where an alterego of mine teaches the Slayers how to write fanfiction. I saw a program on the art of fugue (bach) and my muse went wild. btw this is the FIRST fanfic I ever wrote. Oh and the PG rating is just a precaution.


Legal Disclaimer: I do not own the Slayers. I own myself. Remember that, and don't sue me.  
  
Author: Catchfire (Sparrow Windsinger) (SJJR) Name: The art of Fanfic Category: Non-serious, comedy, a little romance Fandom: The Slayers Warnings: None that I can think of. Rated U for utter stupidity. A not-very- naughty word at the end. Additional comments: What can I say? It's about one of my alteregos teaching the Slayers how to write a fanfiction.  
  
Let's goooo! For Justice!  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
*BlackRaven (me), Lina, Gourry, Xelloss, Zelgadis and Amelia are in a sort of University lecture room. I stand on a table*  
  
BlackRaven. O-K everybody, I'm gonna teach you about fanfiction.  
  
Zelgadis. I nev-  
  
BR. No questions until the end of the lecture.  
  
Z. But I don't want to be here!!!  
  
BR. Tough. I'm the author, I can put you through hell.  
  
Z. Oya...  
  
Xelloss. Will you torture me?  
  
BR. No!  
  
X. Please?  
  
BR. I would love to resist, but due to the fact that you're cute, you're fun and your hair is purple, I can't. All right, after the lecture I will personally torture you to death. Happy?  
  
X. Yes!  
  
BR. Right. In order to show you what fanfiction is about, I'm gonna put you in a situation of Fanfiction. Any questions?  
  
Gourry. Will there be free food?  
  
BR. Yes. Lots of it, too!  
  
Amelia. Have you journeyed towards the light and found the true meaning of Justice?  
  
BR. Perhaps.  
  
Am. HAVE YOU!?  
  
BR. Eek! It's a secret.  
  
X. but that's my catch phrase!!!  
  
BR. oh yeah? Well... then... you smell!!!  
  
X. 0.o  
  
BR. is that it? Then let's go!  
  
*I hold up my hand, and we all disappear.*  
  
*all reappear in a theatre*  
  
G. where are we?  
  
X. my deodorant smells of cinnamon toast.  
  
G. where are we?  
  
BR. a theatre. Ah, I see we are a bit short of players. Can anybody tell me what we should do? Gah, I think I'm teaching kindergarten here.  
  
Z. give up and go home?  
  
BR. I could, but I won't.  
  
G. run to pizza hut screaming for volunteers and a fifteen-inch pepperoni?  
  
BR. No.  
  
Lina. Well... we need more people... so... you could phone up some friends and ask them to come round?  
  
BR. yes, but there are two problems with that. One- you might not know enough people, and Two- they might not be able to come. You can't give them choice.  
  
Z. you could teleport them here.  
  
BR. YES!!! that is the right answer! however, we are still stuck with the fact that I don't know many people.  
  
X. Teleport random people!!!  
  
BR. yes, actually.  
  
X oh, wow.  
  
BR. so, that decided, I will now proceed to do the honours.  
  
BR. sooo... I summon... *looks around* Noonsa, Valgaav, Prince Phil, unhhh, Filia, Zelas, Kopii and Rezo.  
  
*most people's expressions change. Lina looked scared when I said Noonsa, Amelia looked sparkly when I said Prince Phil, Xelloss looked scared when I said Filia and sparkly when I said Zelas, Zelgadis looked really furious when I said Kopii and Rezo, and Gourry looked downright confused.*  
  
G. that was random.  
  
BR. actually, I picked them all for maximum irritation factor. I'm gonna have a ball!!!  
  
Z. why do you do this to me...  
  
BR. I warned you I could put you through hell...  
  
*Zelgadis goes all pouty*  
  
BR. well sorree!! Look, I had to teleport Rezo in, I have a severe lack of characters here!  
  
Z. did you have to bring Kopii in as well?  
  
BR. yes!  
  
Z. which two people in which play look exactly the same!?  
  
BR. How the hell did you know I was going to do a play?  
  
Z. among other reasons, why else would we be in a theatre?  
  
BR. Wellll...Look, I'm sorry! I'll repay you! I'll... I'll... I'll help you find your cure!!!  
  
Z. you couldn't do that...  
  
BR. yes I can!  
  
Z. I've looked in every possible place. There's no way you'll be able to find it by the end of the fanfiction.  
  
BR. I bet you never looked on the Internet!!!  
  
Z. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
BR. the Internet. I bet you didn't.  
  
Z.*punches himself in the head* You are so right...  
  
BR. ;-b ^^  
  
L. Get on with it!  
  
BR. Oh I am so enjoying this scene.  
  
Harry's Warhammer Army. Get on with it!!  
  
BR. oh but I am so enjoying this scene!  
  
God. GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
BR. fine, fine... anyway... there are 2 ways for people to arrive after you've summoned them. They can either arrive all at once, or one at a time.  
  
Am. Which way have you chosen, Miss BlackRaven?  
  
BR. I chose one at a time.  
  
L. does that mean that they will arrive in the order that you said their names?  
  
BR. good question! No, they will arrive in the order I want them to.  
  
*Prince Phil arrives first*  
  
Pp. Amelia! Darling!!!  
  
Am. Daddyyyyyyyy!!  
  
*Both hug*  
  
BR. Ohhhhhh... ugh... I think I'm gonna be sick... break it up!!!!  
  
X. Annoying, yes, but not half as annoying as meeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!  
  
BR. too damn right... don't you dare pull your head off!!!!!  
  
X. *Holding his head at his side in his left hand* too late!  
  
BR. oh yeah? Well... *Grows an extra arm, a pair of wings and a third eye*  
  
I refuse to retract these... deformities[!] until Xelloss replaces his head.  
  
*Noonsa appears, grabs Xelloss' head and begins kissing it*  
  
X. AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-mmmfff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
BR. Heh heh...  
  
Z.0.o  
  
L. serve you right!!!  
  
G. *arms hang stupidly at sides* what's going on?  
  
Am. ummmm....  
  
Pp.ummmm....  
  
*Xelloss retrieves his head from the crazed lunatic fish-man and sticks it back on his neck*  
  
X.*runs out*  
  
*a loud splash is heard from outside*  
  
L. wha'd he do?  
  
Z. stuck his head in the pond.  
  
BR. he was asking for it. *retracts her arm, wings and eye*  
  
*Xelloss returns, his hair dripping wet, as is the rest of his face*  
  
X. who - and what - is that... object that just robbed me of my sense of balance?  
  
BR. that's Noonsa. Say hi!  
  
X. I think we already have... ma-ne...  
  
BR. heh...  
  
Z. anyway...  
  
BR. Right. Oooooo, the script and casting sheets have finally come. *picks pieces of paper of the table* Casting sheet... Casting sheet... ah, here it is! the Casting sheet!!! Hey there are huge gaps in this! oh well. Better fill 'em in!!! * grabs pencil and fills 'em in*  
  
I Casting sheet:Macbeth(bridged)  
  
Duncan - Noonsa Donalbain - Kopii Rezo Malcolm - Rezo Macbeth - Valgaav Banquo - Gourry Macduff - Xelloss Lenox - Lina Rosse - Rodimus Menteth - Zolf Angus -bLouis Gift/b Cathness - bLouis Brusseax/b Fleance - Zelgadis Siward - Prince Phil Young Siward - /b Seyton - /b Boy - /b An English doctor - bRandom person /b A Scottish doctor - ,, ,, A Soldier - ,, ,, A Porter - ,, ,, An Old Man - ,, ,, Lady Macbeth - Eris Lady Macduff - Amelia Gentlewoman - bBlackRaven ||^^||/b Three Witches - Naga, Filia, ,, ,,  
  
BR. There. Now to wait for the others to come.  
  
*Valgaav and Kopii arrive at exactly the same time*  
  
*Zelgadis steps back and puts his hand on his sword, and BlackRaven grabs the Hikari no Ken (Sword of Light) off the table and officialy assaults Valgaav with it*  
  
BR. Baka-Baka-Bakayoro!!! Odango'atma!!! Damare! Damare damare damare!!!! Baka Namagomi!!!!!!!!!! Bakayoro!!! (etc.)  
  
Valgaav. Hey! Ow! Ow! Ow, Ow!!!  
  
G. Hey! Give that back!!!  
  
BR. Okie ^^  
  
*gives Gourry the Hikari no Ken*  
  
V. What was that for!?  
  
BR. I hate you because almost all the Slayers Personality quizzes on the Internet said that I was like you.  
  
V. why would you want to hate me for that?  
  
BR. that doesn't matter!  
  
V. But-  
  
BR. I SAID!!! that doesn't matter.  
  
V. Ok, Ok, it doesn't matter...  
  
*Rezo appears*  
  
Rezo. Where-  
  
BR. Rezo-Sama!!!!  
  
*Glomps Rezo and kisses him muchly*  
  
R. Whoa!  
  
Z. *mutters* Get off and let me hurt him already...  
  
BR. *with her arms and legs wrapped around Rezo's middle* Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine...!  
  
R. Ummmmmmm....  
  
Z. *still muttering* I'll hurt you as well if you don't get off...  
  
R. Please get off me.  
  
BR. I can't! I'm going to follow you for eternity! nyahahahaha!!  
  
Z. *shouting* Get off him already!!!!  
  
BR. No! you'll just hurt him!!!!!  
  
Z. well duh!! I hate him!!!  
  
BR. well I love him, so I'm not going to let you hurt him!!!  
  
R. If you're going to argue, could you at least get off me first?  
  
BR. NEVER!!!  
  
R. Follow me, but at least give me freedom of movement...  
  
BR. and you'll let me come with you whenever?  
  
R.Yes, just get off.  
  
Am. Please don't hurt him Mr Zelgadis. That would be unJUST!!!  
  
Z. I will restrain from killing him as we stand here, just don't give us a justice speech.  
  
Am. oh but Mr Zelgadis.... If I don't tell them about the laws of JUSTICE, how are they ever going to learn?  
  
Z. I assure you, everybody here knows so much about Justice that they could give a speech for you, although if they do I will kill them where they stand.  
  
Z. Please let me hurt him!  
  
B. If I could prove to you that it's not Rezo's fault that you're a Chimera, would you start liking him again?  
  
Z. maybe.  
  
BR. I'll have to do that in a sequel.  
  
L. Sequel?  
  
BR. Sequel. A sort of second Chapter, or follow-on thingy.  
  
X. You've told us an awful lot about Fanfiction, can we go now?  
  
BR. but... Oh to hell with the play. I hate directing, I hate lecturing and I want to put as much distance between Rezo and Zelgadis as possible. I'M LEAVING!!!  
  
X. WAIT!!!  
  
BR. why?  
  
X. you haven't tortured me yet.  
  
BR. Oh. Come here.  
  
*she blocks Xelloss' magic*  
  
X. Oooo...  
  
BR. Now I'm sending Filia into a pit... Now I can torture you.  
  
_Sends magic-deprived Xelloss to pit with Filia*_  
  
BR. Now where was I? Oh yeah, I was leaving. I'M LEAVING!!!  
  
*BlackRaven disappears, and takes Rezo with her*  
  
L. where were we?  
  
Z. we were going to...  
  
G. um...  
  
Am. well Miss BlackRaven was telling us about Fanfiction...  
  
L. but then...  
  
Z. She disappeared.  
  
G. but She's the Author!  
  
L. well we can't go on without her...  
  
Z. I guess we can go.  
  
*all walk out*  
  
The End!!!  
  
What a lot of sleep-deprived bullshit that was, ne? 


End file.
